Take the pain away
by BlakeRB
Summary: After over a year Holly is back in Toronto. Gail is send into a loop by the death of someone near. Will she recover from it? Will they come back together?
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing.

I had the idea for a while and I just wrote it down. I have no beta, so there will be mistakes.

I sit on my coach editing my last sentences of my article, when I hear pounding at my door. I'm back at Toronto over three months now. But visitors still come rarely.  
Which is also the reason why I am surprised to see Gail standing there. I certainly am not expecting her in the middle of the night.

"Hey!" I greet her, taking her in. She looks worn out. Her normally pale complexion is bordering into an unhealthy shade of yellow. Bloodshed eyes and dark circles under her eyes emphasized her appereance.

"Holly..." Gail breathes.

"What are you doing here?" I don't know how Gail knew I was back in Toronto. I transferred back from San Francisco, to another morgue in Toronto. The only one who knew about me was Andy and I had her sworn that she wouldn't say a word. But nonetheless her appearance on my doorstep is setting me off. I don't know what to do. There is no guide what-to-do-when-your-ex-girlfriend-shows-up-at-your-door-after-ove-a-year. Especially when you still have feelings for her.

"Please, can I come in?"

Gail puts her hands into her pockets, waiting for me to let her in. I sigh when I open the door.

Gail marches in and stops abruptly. She takes a look around.

"Nothing has changed."

I just nod and wait beside her while she decides what she wants to do now.

"I... I know it is the worst timing ever. But... I need you. Please."

She looks at me, tears in her eyes. "Please Holly."

"Can we pretend that nothing happened. For just this one night."

Gail wrings her hands and looks at you with pleading eyes.

"The last few weeks were brutal. I...just need you." She looks into space, not focussing on anything. Gail appears to be totally distraught.

I know this is the wrong thing to do, but in one step I am be her side, hugging her tightly. The minute I hold her in my arms it feels so right. Every cell of my body takes her in and it is like I'm whole again.

The second she is in my arms she starts to tremble, crying silently. It hurts to see her like that and you know something horrible must have happened, because she wouldn't be here, let alone showing her feelings so openly. Even with me.

I try to sooth her but she is crying stronger, sobbing into my shoulder. When she finally pulls away. Gail looks at me through blurry eyes. I want to ask her what happened, but I don't. One thing I have learned about Gail in our past relationship is that pushing her results in impenetrable walls and that's not something I want to risk.

"I know I'm the last person you wanna see, but can we pretend that everything is fine and we're still together. Just for one night? Please. After this I will be out off your life once and for all."

Even if I want I can't deny her. She is so vulnerable right now. It is nearly impossible to not give her what she wants.

I want to tell her that's not the right thing to do, but her lips are already on mine. I try to hold it together but she feels so good. It first it's to get familiar again. But the kiss becomes passionate. And boy Gail can kiss. It's soft and sweet but at the same time it feels like fireworks are going to explod in my chest. At that moment I don't know why I ever left her in the first place. Yeah right, the job. That's something I have to think about.

I want to tell her that I want her back. That I want to live with her. That I want to get old with her, but I don't. It's not the right time. First we need to talk.

Gail trails kisses along my neck and starts to feel me up. She pushes me towards my bedroom and begins to take of my cloth. I try to resist one last time but there is no willpower left. The saying the flesh is weak gets a whole new meaning for me. It is very weak right now. I need to feel her, to taste her. My body is screaming to give into my sexual needs and I let it have its drug.

We walk our way back to my bedroom. My shirt is gone by the time, we reach my bedroom door. I have to start paying attention. She is far to fast for me.

I kick into action trying not to get distracted so much by her kisses and remove her leather jacket and her shirt. She helps me to get rid of my jeans and my underwear. And than its her turn to lose her cloth. She peppers my skin with kisses. Every place graced with a kiss burns slightly. Like I am burning up with her kisses.

It happens so fast, that we're lying naked on my bed. She's pressing her leg into my core, sucking harshly at my nipples. I try to reciprocate but Gail's too determined. I try to get her to look at me but she refuses. Her hand reaches my core and she pushes her fingers into me. I try to hold back but the passion embraces me and all I can do is to beg her to go faster. I hear the noises from my sex and her labored breathing. My arousal increases and in minutes I am at the point of no return. I try again to get her to look at me. I need to see those beautiful eyes of her. But she won't look up. Gail has buried her head between my breasts. I start to cry in desperate need to feel the connection, we once had. I need to see if she feels the same.

"Gail..." I breath barely able to say a decent word.

"Gail please... Look at me." I beg but she doesn't budge, when she turns her head I see tears streaming down her face.

I try to stop her but my body is too far gone. My hips move in synch with her fingers and she ist fucking me frantically by now. Gail starts to touch my bundle of nerves and I come undone. I clutch at her and hug her to me as tight as I can.

When I come back to my senses she has buried her head in the crook of my neck, crying.

"Gail, please what's wrong?" I lift her head to get her to look at me, but she won't. When her breathing goes back to normal, she lifts herself of my bed, still staring in the other direction.

"Gail..." I say again.

She picks up her clothes and turns around her eyes trained on the floor.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come."  
With that she leaves.

I wrap my blanked around myself. I feel exposed. For a minute I think about running after her but...I can't. Since our break-up I've been like a zombie, numb to everything around me, except my job maybe. The minute she walzes into my life I get like a wake-up call and then she leaves me alone again, regretting she even came by. I can't. I just can't go back there. If I let myself fall into the world of Gail Peck, I will get hurt again.

When I hear the my door close, tears begin to fall down my cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

_I own nothing._

 _I've started with Chapter 3. So I hope it won't be so long, till the next post._

One of the worst days of my life and I had to form it into a catastrophe. That's so... Me. But it has been since the day Holly left. Since then everything went down the drain. I wonder if I have some kind of curse on me or something, that helps me magically to mess up everything good in my life. It at least feels that way.

Six month after Holly's departure. I got denied by the adoption agency. This time I tried everything. I tried my best to make everything right, because it was really what I wanted and for the first time I felt, like I could do it. I had a plan. I had a goal. I could even picture myself as a mother to Sophie. That never happened before. I kind of fell into everything in the past. The law inforcement which was totally a given. But I didn't know what to do with myself, anyway, so... Lucky for me, I like to be a police officer. But with Sophie it was different. My heart was in it. I felt like I could give her a chance. But unfortunately the agency didn't agree with me. I can't even blame them. My track record hasn't been the best. But I tried, I tried so hard.

But hey, life goes on. I thought that at least.

After the denial I threw my self into work and made detective in under three month. Superintendent mom had a field day. But it was never my goal. At the time it helped me to forget, to get over Sophie. I had no time to think and this was good. Otherwise I probably would have tried my usual therapy of alcohol and passing out on the floor, for this kind of drama in my life. Today was the first day in a long time, that I felt I could breath again. I had the energy to look forward. To get my life back together. But than it happened. I got someone killed. Again.

This day is like the icing on the shitcake that is my life. I... I just want to forget it. Erase this day and those stupid feelings. Go back to the day before. Where everything was fine.

I knew something like this could happen. We know the risks of our job and we had been lucky for a long time. And today. Today was time to pay up. And we did it, ten times. Not for the first time in my life, I wish it had been me, not him.

I try to control my thoughts. It was not a train of thought I wanted to visit right now, because I really didn't know if I could pull myself out of it, again and I need to get moving. I wouldn't want Hollys neighbors to call the cops, because of a crazy woman standing on the front porch crying her eyes out.

Holly... I went to Holly because I needed so desperatly to feel alive again. After everything what happened today and I just needed a warm and living body in my arms to remind me, that life goes on and that it is worth living. At least that's what I told myself. It was only partly true. I needed to feel all of that, but Holly is just not a warm body to me, she never will be and I am kind of stupid for thinking, that I can see her and ask that of her and than leave again like nothing happened. Very stupid.

For the last month I have come close to visit her a few times but I never did. We can't work it out anyway. I still believe that, so why turn up at her doorstep and open the wounds that have not heald properly? We both need to get on with our life's. And what have I done? I walzed back in and now it feels like the first day of our separation. All the pain, the feelings, the disappointment, everything is back. And I nearly can't stand it. Like I said. Very stupid.

And today? Today I let my friend get shot. The image of his blood on my hands sends me into a tourmoil. I try to supress the panicy feelings, these images produce. It's not the right time for that right now.

I whip the tears from my eyes and start to head down to my car. I don't even know how I could still function like a normal human being. Well, normal that's in the eye of the beholder, because everything is on autopilot. And everything feels like it is heavy. It feels like I have to put so much energy in everything I do. I'm totally exhausted. The only thing I want is to crawl into my bed and sleep and cry. But I know that's not going to work. I have tried it. And my thoughts will race and all I want to do is to feel numb. I don't want to think and I don't want to feel. So I drive directly to the Penny. I probably would have gone some place else but I doubt that there would be a lot of officers from 15 and the few who will undoubtedly find their way for a beer, won't talk to me.

I step into the Penny, the smell of beer hits me. My suspicion was right. Not many people I know are here. I make my way to the bar, ordering two shots of tequila. The thought alone brings tears into my eyes.  
The last time I drank tequila, we were in a karaoke contest. He would try to get me drunk enough so I would get up on the stage, which wasn't a hard task because there wasn't a time in my life where I denied free alcohol.

I down my shots and order another two. It was time to get drunk. Blinddrunk. Because then everything will go away. The feelings. The thoughts. Everything. And that's what I need right now. Just to feel nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the delay. I wanted to update sooner, but I'm kind of bussy preparing for my working holiday thingy. I hope I have enough time to update sooner next time. It's not my best chapter but I try to write better next time, too.

Still no beta. Be aware there could be a lot of mistakes and let me know what you think.

I own nothing. Yada. Yada.

* * *

I got a call from Larry five minutes ago. And now I'm on my way to pick Gail up at the penny. He had heard of what had happened today. Everyone has. Thank god he does know us well enough, so he called me instead of a cap for Gail. That would have ended not very well.

Gail must be dead drunk and that with her alcohol tolerance. She probably drank half the bar. But I can't blame her. The day was horrible. We are all kind of shocked of what happened today. To lose someone of your family is always hard but... The thought alone brings tears to my eyes but I need to get to my sister first. She had it worse, because she saw him die in her arms and she couldn't do anything to help him. So much I heard.

I see her blond mob as I enter the bar. Her body is slouched over the bar. I have seen her often in that state, but lately Gail had managed to solve her problems without getting drunk.

I make my way over to her and grab her shoulder to try to pull her backwards, so that she sits upright.

"Gail? Can you stand up?"

I hear a grumble from her but she slaps my hand away and tries to lean over again.

"Guess not." I mumble and put her arm over my shoulder.

She lifts her head and I see she's been crying because her eyes are teary and red.

"At least my big brother is there for me. You aren't gonna leave me Steve, are you?" She slurres, while she tries to stand on her own, but Gail loses her balance and leans on me again.

I search for Larry and ask him to put down everything on my bill. He just nods. He knows what to do. He has seen it often enough.

I manoeuvre her out of the bar into the cold air of the night, right down to my car.

The moment I open my the door, I her Gail swallowing heavily. The signs of puking are evident. I react right away and move so she doesn't puke into my car. That hasn't happened in a while. I give her a tissue so she can clean herself.

"You don't throw up in my car are you? Because you are paying for the cleaning service if you are!"

"I try not to." She mumbles and I let her sit down on co-drivers seat and close the door.

The minute I start my car she is out of it. I can hear her soft breathing and I'm kind of relieved because I don't know what to do. I've lost a friend on this job myself but never like this. She had it worse then me. I wonder when she's gonna break down. Gail has this sword of Damocles above her since the adoption thing. I know she is fighting it. But from Traci I know she refuses to talk to someone. I doubt that she even talks to her therapist probably.  
It will eat her up. But I can do nothing to help her if she doesn't corporate and she won't until it is to late.

I look over to her. The hard lines of worry haven't left her face while she sleeps. She looks exhausted and I hope she can rest I little bit, but I doubt it.  
When we arrive at my apartment I carry her up to and put her down on my couch. I put a bucket near her face in case the needs to throw up again and I cover her with a blanket.

I wish I could somehow take the pain away from her. But I'm the last person who can do that.

Guns were being fired. Out of reflex I duck behind the nearest wall, pulling my weapon. I try to spy around the corner, but bullets come flying my way. I wait for the firing to calm down. Dov and Chris are on the other side of the street, taking cover in a corner. Oliver is

I hear guns being fired in the building. My hand instantly grabs my weapon and I duck in the nearest corner. That's when I hear Chris screams into the radio.

"Officer down! Officer down."

Everything goes dark. When I open my eyes I see that my hands are full of blood. I check myself for injuries but I can't find anything that explains my bloodied hands. I start looking around and see his lifeless body right before me.

I instantly jolt into a sitting position. I don't know what has woken me up. But cold sweet is covering my face. I check my hands for blood, but they are clean and I take a cleansing breath relieved that it was all a dream. That's when he images from the past hours come back. It was not a dream. He is dead. The thought alone sents me into a panic attack. My stomach starts revolting at the memories and I have only so much time to spot the bucket next to the couch and throw myself over it before my stomach contens finds its way back through my mouth.

When I have nothing to puke anymore. I try to get my breathing under control. But chest is constricting. Every breath I take is heavier then before and despite that I cannot get enough air into my lounges. It feels like a heavy weight is pressing down on my chest preventing me from breathing. I try to decrease my breathing, but I don't have the strength to get myself out of the panicy thoughts. Everything starts to get blurry, my body starts shaking and I am at a point where I don't know what to do anymore.

I close my eyes and desperately try to think of something that would calm me down bur nothing comes to mind. Normally the thought of Holly would calm me, but right now it is only throwing me further into the dark hole that tends to swallow me. Memories of today are penetrating my mind, too present to push them away.

I register barely the voice which is calling me. I only hear him when I see the lights go on.

"Gail! Please. You have to calm down."  
Steve takes my hands and starts to talk to me in a soothing tone.  
"Take deep and slow breaths. Everything will be fine."  
I concentrate on his words and feel myself stop hyperventilating. I take deeper and even breathes. But it doesn't stop the tears that are streaming down my face.

I'm feeling emotionally drowned and totally exhausted. Everything is raw and I just.. Can't hold it anymore. I start to sob. But Steve is there. He pulls me into his arms and holds me while I break down.  
I'm glad he is there but I also wish I would be alone at the same time. I don't deserve this. I wish I would have died instead. It would at least prevent everyone from the mess I Constantly create and the hurt I bring to the people I love.

"It's going to be OK." I hear him say and I don't have the energy to object. Nothing will be OK and nothing will be the same.


End file.
